The Voice UK 2013 – Blind Auditions 5

“When you get someone that’s come out and blown you away, then it’s PITCH TIME”

“I don’t want that person to slip by me”

“I’m holding out for greatness now. It’s ON”

“When I say I’ma fight, I freakin’ fight LET’S GO”

WHO ARE THEY PAYING TO SCRIPT THIS STEAMING WAFFLE?

First up to swivel on this was 34 year old chef, builder, gardener, hot air balloonist and synchronised swimmer, Jamie Bruce, currently trading at around the 25 mark. I’d be tempted to call him an underwhelming everyman club singer type but the great British public do tend to lap that kind of thing up so I wouldn’t rule out his chances just yet.

At anywhere between 33 and 66 you could have a pop at 22 year old Jordan Lee Davis, the shrieking Lynchian spawn of a champion bodybuilder and Donnie Darko’s Grandma Death. He certainly proved that he could hit some incredible notes throughout his rendition of I Believe In A Thing Called Love but his flailing arms and overdramatic presentation didn’t exactly scream universal appeal. It would be interesting to see how he fared with a different song choice. I give him props just for shunning the Donoghue.

Next up and winner of the most fabulously gastronomic sounding name was 25 year old Cherelle Basquine with her patchy rendition of Call My Name. It almost seems as if producers encourage contestants to perform numbers with which they are not comfortable in order to record some contrived doubt by coaches over song choices. Odds as long as 80 look a little unfair on Cherelle who could clearly do a lot better with a more suitable music selection.

Around the lower middle of the pack is 38 year old musical theatre star Ricardo Alfonso. His drag queen exorcism take on Hard To Handle clearly demonstrated his suitability for the stage over the studio. In fact the lyrics were almost inaudible. I think he said something along the lines of “minna bid a grig de bomba lib dab” as he wriggled his way about the room. Good luck working out what to do with that one Danny.

Ageing wannabe boyband auditionee Sean Rumsey was next, making not so much a splash as a plop in a very brief segment. Taking up the other half of the slot in a painful Tom vs Danny skit were the beige tones of one Alice Barlow, apparent Hollyoaks star. It’s fair to say that Danny’s is looking increasingly like the weakest team.

We were then informed by Jessie J that, “Danny’s the guy that everyone fancies,” which is bizarre as none of my acquaintances have ever described their type as “lanky sexist blockhead lizard pervert” but what (or perhaps who) do I know?

Pointless group time next as duo Nu-Tarna took to the stage with their strained hen night interpretation of Part Of Me. The act felt more suited to Butlins than The Voice and their long odds seem more than fair, although Will was definitely the only suitable selection for the girls.

The snubbing of personal shopper Eva Iglesias was something of a mystery considering some of the absolute shite the show has deemed worthy of progression. ‘And I Am Telling You’ may be a tired old audition favourite but it remains a very hard number to get right and one would expect a competition that is supposedly “all about the voice” to reward a contestant for smashing it out of the park, Ruth Lorenzo style. Pity.

The show then attempted to become interesting for about three seconds with the appearance of Em Brulee and an inventor who had styled himself on that Thrift Shop video, before diving headfirst back into the dull and authentic banter we’ve all come to expect from The Voice.

Hanging somewhere around the top half of the middle is another seasoned professional (yawn) Nate James. One has to wonder if the BBC relishes these last shot comeback stories in a way that the audience fails to grasp or if they simply aren’t getting the right number at the auditions and turn instead to various casting agents’ cast-offs. Either way, Nate was reasonably OK I suppose. Jessie said ‘credible’ three times in one sentence.

Danny is definitely trolling. It’s definitely a joke. It has to be. Any day now he’s going to unzip his face and Marina Abramovic is going to step out of his snake-like skin and bow to rapturous applause.

Rap-soul duo avec guitar, Devide were next and joined Team Jessie. Bets on how long it will take for the pair to sing Price Tag have not yet opened on Betfair.

Poor, poor Lareena Mitchell bringing up the betting rear along with oldest contestant Colin Chisholm, blaming his staggering lack of cool on his age.

Last up was 34 year old sell-out Paul Carden, formerly of the Black Velvets who performed Locked Out Of Heaven with some of the most bizarre and simply incorrect use of vowel pronunciation I have ever witnessed (fwaa tou lllaoing anyone?). Joining Danny’s relatively weak looking team can’t hurt Paul’s chances of advancing to the later stages of the competition and thus, whilst I found him jarring, I think odds of 50/1 look like the most interesting bet of the evening.

“Harder this innit, than BGT or XF, because the BBC aren’t pimping anybody,” contributes Henry VIII and rightly so. As yet all we have to go on is Leanne Mitchell and we cannot say whether she is the fluke or the benchmark, the exception or the rule, the black fly or indeed the chardonnay.

In other news, Danny must be getting tired by now.

As ever, do contribute your own musings. We are eager and waiting.