“Your career is in your hands”
“You get to pick your coach”
“That’s what’s unique about this show”
“I’m a corrugated outhouse” (apparently)
It certainly wasn’t all about the voice for Saturday’s first auditionee, beauty therapist and reductive 40s throwback, Alice. As if to ram the format’s point home like a raw carrot swallowed whole, image conscious Alice was sadly rejected but not before lecher Danny had a chance to call her talentless yet highly fuckable. Charming.
31 year old part-time ‘model’ (boat show promo girl) Sarah Cassidy was second up and currently sits on the cusp of the top third in the betting market. Sarah was sort of like a budget Mariah Carey via the kind of Glasgow nightclub that might do promotions on cherry sourz for lasses that get their baps out. However, the impressive range and regional base can’t hurt her chances in the competition. Question: do people watch The Voice in Scotland? Does anyone watch The Voice outside of my living room? Why are these stairs so scary for females, Jessie?
Next up and middle of the pack was 18 year old middle-aged librarian, Emily Worton, whose yodel indie folk mashup of Common People turned Will’s chair and Will’s chair only. At average odds of 33 she’s a tolerable potential outsider and very on trend in today’s Mumford and Sons sausage advert culture.
It was time for a human BALLS interest story next as Tourette’s sufferer Nick felt the icy blow of rejection but made an important point about stigmatised conditions and the ironic upcycling of 1980s movie soundtracks. Also rejected was spring chicken Tom, whose failure to match the standard of Danny O’Donoghue’s pukey recession anthem For The First Time placed him quite literally at the bottom of the universe.
Next up was professional smoothie LB Robinson whose cover of She’s a Lady won the attention of Tom Jones. At relatively long odds and a likeable personality he’s another potential one to watch. His vocal was certainly decent. Shame about the looks but hey, never mind, this is ultimately all about the voice.
Unlikely favourites Barbara and Carla made a splash with their on-point rendition of the seminal classic, ‘British Airways’ and earned themselves the coveted quadrouple swivel from the coaches. It’s hard to say exactly what kind of place they can carve out in a mainly pop oriented competition (and they don’t look tempting at some of the shortest odds in the market) but it’s perfectly viable that the pair could go down well with the BBC viewer. The selection of will.i.am was definitely the most interesting move and it will be nice to see how the duo develops.
After some brief Tomfoolery Jones, we were introduced to 22 year old relative straggler Laura Oakes, covering Florence and the Fox Orgy’s ‘Spectrum’with impressive flair. I’d love to say that odds of 40 look long and sweet but last year I championed Sophie Griffin with a similar kind of enthusiasm and we all know how that turned out. It may also be that Laura is a little too Leanne Mitchell for the competition but then again that worked out quite well for Leanne Mitchell.
At the other end of the odds is 26 year old window cleaner cum The Script ballad protagonist, Karl Michael. Karl closed the fourth round of blind auditions with a large schmaltzy bucket of leather clad sincerity and performative turmoil before joining #teamfanny and scoring a goal for serious musicians the world over.
Cardigan-clad Marcus Collins two point dull, Liam Tamne still heads up the betting tables with Thriller star Alex Buchanan and the operatic flower ladies close behind. None seem like particularly inspiring winners or future stars but that’s just this one cynic talking.
Any rays of sunshine or pearls of wisdom you can offer would be greatly appreciated. After all, someone has to win it right?