For the past two years, Sofabet has thrown caution to the wind and made an educated stab in the direction of X Factor’s finishing order. In 2010 this prophecy was pretty much as close as one can hope to get without a coconut or Simon Cowell’s chlamydia. In 2011, Sofabet fell victim to the unforeseen power of the Little Mix steamroller.
I’m not half the expert that Daniel or Andrew are, but I feel it’s only fair that I stick my neck out on the line and put my money where my mouth is in a brave display of mixed metaphor. Unfortunately, a certain broadcaster’s press office doesn’t deem me to be worthy of any information regarding format so my prediction is based on my own skeletal assumptions of how The Voice will play out.
This Saturday, The Voice will go live and the slaughter contained within will become that bit more real. Teams Thomas and William are up first, which means we’ll have to wait another whole week for Ruth-Ann St Luce. Sorry, guys.
HOW IT WORKS
The five members of each ‘team’ (why call them that when they’re in direct competition with one another?) will fight it out for one of their category’s two spots in the semi-final. The first will be selected by popular vote and then each coach will save one of the remaining four in their respective categories. Most likely, we’ll have to wait a week to hear the results, which I can only imagine will be agonising for fans of Tyler James.
WHO WILL GO FORTH?
So who will the public choose? The public will choose RUTH BROWN because she’s the most adorable thing since Furbies and her dad died so we cannot take the piss out of her or fail to vote for her under any circumstances. And she can sing as well.
The public will also save JAZ ELLINGTON because he’s totally awesome and he tried to kill himself but his family BELIEVES in him and he can sing. The public likes SINGERS who have STRUGGLES.
AND THE COACHES?
Tom will opt to take LEANNE MITCHELL to the semi-finals for two reasons. Firstly, he needs a lady in control who can hold a tune in place and Leanne knows her shit. Secondly, he needs to take action to avoid Samuel or Matt & Sueleen from making the final and he probably won’t remember Adam Isaac’s name at this point.
Surprisingly, Will will ditch Joelle and take SOPHIE GRIFFIN to the final because she got tic-tacs because she stays fresh holler and nobody seems to have noticed that Joelle is kind of boring and brings the room down a little bit and she’s blatantly got the curse of the Adedeji about her.
In the event that I am incorrect, Adam Isaac or Frances Wood could slip through the net and qualify, but I imagine that this would result in a BBC exec being taken out back and shot.
AND NEXT WEEK?
Next week, Teams Jessie and Danny will go into the arena. From Team J, Becky Hill will win the public’s heart because she is a bad girl with a good soul who squashed Pixie and Indie and thus did the nation a massive favour. Jessie will then save Vince Kidd because he’s a soul mister and everybody likes individuality right? RIGHT GUYS? Otherwise it’s Toni Warne and her singing face terrifies me.
BUT WHAT ABOUT TEAM DANNY?
That’s exactly the problem – Team Danny is like a deck of five very good cards – a full flush or a royal house or something (I only know how to play snap). Aleks is weak but his relationship with Danny and subsequent growth could make for patronising, vomit-worthy TV gold. Dreamboat Max has a face that could win votes and a voice that can handle whatever’s thrown at it. Bo offers something unique, Hannah’s powerhouse vocal is yet to be showcased and David represents that cursed everyman staple that I so despise on these shows.
At a push, I’ll guess that the public will save either Aleks or David and that Danny will save whichever of those two doesn’t immediately qualify. The pair seems likely to grab votes and are as likely a combination for Danny as any.
SO WHO’S IN THE SEMI-FINALS
According to me (and you should never trust me), it’s DAVID, ALEKS, BECKY, VINCE, RUTH, LEANNE, SOPHIE and JAZ. These eight will then be whittled down to four finalists by a process combining popular vote and coaches’ score (so basically the producers can wangle it any way they like). That will leave RUTH, DAVID, BECKY and JAZ as the final 4. This is how I see them finishing:
She’s surely got to be the winner for Team Tom but is unlikely to appeal to a broad enough base of voters to clinch the whole thing. I’d love to be wrong, but I’m not convinced that Ruth is everyone’s cup of tea.
In a previous post, I called Becky Hill a ready-made popstar and I stand by my point that she seems perfect for a journey on the show. However, her style is that little bit too screechy and Cher Lloyd-y to carry her all the way. Becky’s natural charm should see her to a respectable third place.
He’s got soul, he makes people cry, and he loves his family. What more could you ask for in a champion? The answer is simple – personal identification. Jaz will make it all the way to the final but essentially he’s too talented to root for. He’s never going to hit a bum note or pull a strained face. Ultimately, his Achilles heel will be the fact that he doesn’t have one. Jaz just makes it look too easy.
He stacks shelves, so he’s a hero. He quit his job to audition, so he’s a risk-taker. He sings falsetto, so he’s both sensitive AND secure in his sexuality. On top of that, he’s average enough that women all over the country can realistically project their desperate longings on to him whilst men can envisage themselves partaking in a football-based discussion with him in a local ‘boozer’. He’s EVERYMAN!
Of course all of this will seem irrelevant in five years time when Sophie Griffin and Vince Kidd are comparing platinum discs over dirty martinis and diamond-encrusted Pringles whilst David Julien is ‘on the road’ with Matt Cardle doing Bob Dylan covers at working men’s clubs.
Now all I have to do it sit back and wait to feel the egg on my face.
BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK!?